How to manage your emotional triggers as a leader

It happened 25 years ago and still makes me cringe today. I was walking through the warehouse in New Jersey, USA that I managed at the time. Seeing the state of our operations, I lost my self-control. I literally hit a piece of furniture in front of the foreman while shouting, "If anyone has the right to damage our products, it's me." I was overwhelmed by anger and, as I later realized, also by fear and shame due to the never-ending stream of errors, damages, and disappointed customers in the business unit I was responsible for.

Even if you've never reacted as inappropriately as I did, I'm sure you've had emotional experiences you look back on with embarrassment. Over the years, I've learned to manage my emotional triggers and through executive coaching helped clients do the same.

Why leaders need to manage emotional triggers

There are three leadership benefits you gain by learning to manage them:

1. Managing your triggers better almost always comes with a better understanding of yourself. A better self-understanding leads to better understanding of others. You gain higher emotional intelligence that can be applied across all areas of business.

2. Fewer triggers mean you are more balanced. From a state of balance, you can ask better questions, thoughtfully evaluate your options and eventually make solid decisions.

3. Intense anger-related triggers can affect your heart health and increase the risk of stroke, according to a Harvard Medical School article. For your long-term performance and well-being, you need a healthy heart.

A leadership example: Turning a trigger into empathy

A U.S.-based client, whom I'll call John, often experienced emotional triggers during conversations with a fellow manager, Paul. Since they were jointly responsible for the same business unit, avoiding these interactions wasn't an option. During my sessions with John, we delved deeper into the reasons behind his triggers. Paul was 25 years older and had been in the business unit for years, while John was relatively new. John felt anger and sadness because Paul, with all his seniority and experience, wasn't offering support or cooperation. In just one executive coaching session, John was able to replace anger and sadness with empathy. John understood that Paul was fearful about his future in the company. John gained insights through a structured process.

You can try the process on your own. You gain the strongest results with a coach or another trusted person who can guide and take notes along the way.

A process to understand your leadership triggers

1. Go back to the situation and factually describe what took place.

2. Explore what feelings came up. Don't settle with the dominant feeling. Keep exploring. You will typically encounter feelings such as anger, fear, sadness, and shame.

3. Write each feeling on separate pieces of paper and place them around the room.

4. Place yourself physically near the card representing the first feeling to explore. Speak out loud what comes up. If possible, have someone take notes on what you say and place the notes next to the feeling.

5. Repeat step four until you have explored all feelings.

6. Place yourself at a distance to view your notes and verbally express your insights.

What this process has taught me as a leader

I have learned that triggers can be reduced and can be managed. I'm in control and can improve my responses. That gives me a sense of agency and calm. Since I worked through different situations, I have discovered that the root cause comes back to a handful of topics. One of the topics that can trigger me has to do with financial resources.

Money has been a topic in my adult life that could trigger strong reactions. Going deeper, I learned that anger and shame, intertwined, were behind my strong reactions. I felt fear about not having enough, and shame over some of my financial decisions. With the insights I've gained, I can now catch my feelings as they arise. I calm down and can provide the appropriate leadership response.

Emotional triggers are part of the human experience and seep into how you act as a leader. When you use a structured process to examine the moments that trigger you, you can increase your emotional intelligence and enhance your professional and personal life.

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