The one question that changes everything (and why)

When a situation with another person feels stuck or frustrating, one simple question can unlock movement again: What is my contribution to the situation? In this post, I share why this question works, how it restores agency, and how it can change the quality of interactions almost immediately.

When interactions with others don’t work, my first instinct used to be irritation. I would get annoyed by how someone chose to show up, communicate, or avoid responsibility. That irritation often came with a sense of powerlessness. I could see what wasn’t working, but I didn’t feel I had a way to influence the situation.What helped me regain momentum was shifting my focus. Instead of starting with the other person, I began by asking what I had contributed to the situation unfolding the way it did.

This question is powerful because it immediately gives me something to work with. When I reflect on my own contribution, I no longer need anything from the other person to move forward. I don’t need them to change first, explain themselves, or admit fault. I regain agency — and with it, the ability to act.

It’s important to be clear about what this question is not. It is not about surrendering or letting the other person get their way. They, too, have a contribution to the situation. For me, this question is about leverage, not blame. My contribution might be subtle — tone, timing, assumptions, or the way expectations are framed — but even subtle contributions matter. Seeing them opens up new options.

Once I understand my contribution, the next step is to share one or two insights with the other person. I might explain what I noticed and what I will do differently going forward. This often restarts a stalled conversation. I can also invite the other person to reflect on their contribution. If they see areas for improvement, I simply thank them for sharing. If they don’t, I thank them for taking the time to reflect. Either way, I stay grounded and constructive.

I’ve seen this play out clearly with a coaching client who managed a customer service team. She received feedback that her direct reports didn’t feel supported. Instead of defending herself, she reviewed past interactions and asked, “What was my contribution to these conversations not going well?”Her insights were concrete: she went straight to business when someone was feeling stressed, she took over processes instead of allowing others to develop solutions, and she didn’t allow equal time of voice in meetings. With these insights, she deliberately experimented with new ways of engaging her team. Within weeks, the feedback had shifted noticeably.

Taking ownership of my contribution to a situation has proven to be one of the most effective ways to get things back on track. It works far better than trying to convince the other side of what they did wrong. And more often than not, it opens the door to better conversations — and better outcomes — for everyone involved.

AI was used to support sentence structure and editorial refinement.