What if you could disarm any conflict with greater ease? In this blog post, I will share how to break through the first and hardest step: Reestablishing enough openness and understanding to allow you to build options, evaluate those, and finally reach a joint agreement. Thomas and Annie (names changed for confidentiality) broke through the first barrier in 90 minutes.
Thomas and Annie have a unique situation in that they are a couple and work together. They are warm, caring, and compassionate people. Despite those qualities, they ended up in a situation where the communication had broken down. After a blow-up over a work situation, they asked if I could help them. I accepted the request since my 12 years of mindfulness practice could be central to reestablishing mindful communication.
How mindful communication helps you solve conflicts
Like you train your muscles, you can practice mindful communication through the teachings of applied Buddhism, which, in a broader sense, helps you live a life with greater peace and balance. I’m part of a group that meets online every other week. The group is open to anyone and free to join. We spend one hour together cultivating mindful speaking and listening. This practice is what helped Thomas and Annie move forward.
Mindfully speaking means carefully choosing the words you use. You express your experience, feelings, and what lies behind the feelings. Mindfully listening means listening with full intention to understand the other person. You ask questions with the genuine intention to learn more. An example could be: I experience a feeling of fear when I see you disappointed (mindful speaking). What thoughts make you fearful (mindful listening and speaking to learn more)? Here is how we applied the practice to the blow-up.
Annie had made a business decision that Thomas felt he should have been a part of. We returned to that exact moment, and as soon as the two got into passing blame, I asked them to pause. I summarized what I had heard so far, and they both agreed. Hereafter, I asked Thomas to explore what he was feeling. The two dominating feelings were anger and fear. Angry because he, as a partner, should have been consulted. Fearful because what Annie had accepted could render Thomas less relevant in the business. The initial exchange brought renewed openness and willingness to explore.
Thomas felt relieved because he could share what was hidden behind the emotional eruption. Annie felt compassion for Thomas, and Thomas, in return, felt seen. They had established a virtuous circle. The practice helps us realize that what we feel and how we respond is understandable when we look deeper.
For the next hour, we kept returning to the feelings that different actions had triggered in both Annie and Thomas. They both felt seen and heard, which allowed them to move forward. For the next step, resisting the temptation of easy solutions is essential. Instead, you take the time to formulate several options. For Thomas and Annie, this means options ranging from parting ways romantically and businesswise to staying together romantically and in business. With several options available, it is time to explore. You do this through a structured process, applying your newfound skills of speaking and listening mindfully.
Write each option on separate papers and place them on the floor.
One person physically steps into the 1st option.
The other person takes notes and places these next to the option.
Repeat until both people have explored all options.
Discuss the map of options you have created together.
The process can feel like hard work. Especially emotionally, since complicated conflicts rarely have easy solutions. The goal is not to find an easy and comfortable solution but the solution that will be the right one to look back at several years from now. Allow time to explore the map you created in multiple discussions, practicing mindful speaking and listening.
Conclusion
Mindful speaking and listening can reestablish the closeness and openness needed to solve your conflict. Expressing your feelings and the deeper reasons relieves the turmoil and creates understanding in the other person of why you reacted the way you did. Thomas and Annie are still exploring the right option for them. I’m confident they can decide from a place of compassion and understanding.
What approaches have helped you navigate conflicts in your relationships or work? Book a discovery call to learn more about how I can help you with your situation.
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