I’m an avid reader of The Economist, and this week was no exception. It was jaw-dropping to read that 68% of managers are either in burnout or heading towards one (The Impossible Job). Numbers like that highlight how unbalanced life has become for many of us. I’m somewhat ashamed of admitting that I have gone through two burnouts. I can, however, also say that it will not happen a third time. I have put the puzzle together on what resilience means to me.
I plan to live a long and healthy life. I have already designed my death, but that is another topic. That means my life is a marathon and not a sprint. I know there will be patches on my route that will feel like uphill running. To master the steep patches, I take care of my energy on the more manageable parts. Resilience is about knowing when to back off and when to push. I used to see resilience as the act of toughening it out and continuing with little care for my physical and mental health.
I was pushing with little regard for my physical and mental health for years. I saw my declining well-being as a linear experience. I estimated how long I had disrespected my boundaries and calculated how long I could go on like that. Going over the line is like overextending a rope. You can pull countless times, and the rope withstands the pressure until it suddenly snaps. Snapping the rope twice has taught me to view resilience differently.
I see long-term resilience as a liquid puzzle where the pieces change size and shape as I progress through life. As I’m closer to 50 than 40, I also notice that my puzzle has new pieces that weren’t there in my 30s. I’m confident that this one piece will be part of long-term resilience.
The fundamental piece is compassion for oneself. With this part, I’m able to adjust to what I need. I no longer punish myself when I need to back off. And I no longer have to perform to a certain level to feel alright about myself. I’m allowed to go easier on the flat parts of my marathon, so I also have the stamina to make it through the steep parts. I had to relearn having compassion for myself. Maybe you find yourself in a similar situation.
I practiced self-compassion in front of the mirror every day for several months. It was at first unnerving standing and looking myself in the eyes. I wanted to run away as I didn’t like what I saw. But I kept looking at the guy in the mirror like a good friend—someone I wanted to be there for through thick and thin.
Eventually, I said, “I’m there for you.” Saying those words felt fake and hollow. The voice in my head didn’t believe it because the message of never being good enough had ruled my life for years.
I stuck with the practice, and eventually, the feeling of self-compassion broke through the old message of not being good enough. Reprogramming the old voices is doable. I recommend reading 7 1/2 lessons about the brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett to dive deeper into that topic.
My puzzle of resilience consists of six pieces in addition to self-compassion:
I am aligning my professional activities with my core values.
I use meditation and yoga daily to calm down and recharge.
I leave 14 to 16 hours between my last and first meal to allow my body to clean and rebalance.
80% of my diet is plant-based and cooked for better digestion. Our health is sitting in our gut.
I prioritize sleep. I no longer see sleep as something I can do when I’m dead. I recommend reading Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker to explore this topic further.
I practice gratitude daily. The practice helps me remember that I have enough conditions to be happy and content today.
Now you know what my formula looks like. Your combination will likely be different. I invite you to explore how to bring more resilience into your life.
Even in a world that puts heavier demands on us, we still have the opportunity to work on our resilience. Doing so will increase our odds of steering clear of the group of managers that eventually land in burnout. And if you land in that group, it is even more reason to figure out what your resilience puzzle should look like.
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